My definition of fertility is one’s ability to make a family. And, when I write make I don’t mean produce. My definition of compassion is the ability to find and practice empathy for others. And, when I write empathy I definitely do not mean sympathy (remember sympathy is I feel for you and empathy is I feel with you.)
Therefore, my definition of fertility compassion is having empathy towards family planning.
Fertile or Infertile.
Family planning is complicated.
And, yet it is often minimized, insensitively judged and invalidated.
Everyone has an opinion on family planning and therefore everyone also has many questions. However, many times these questions, even though meant to be innocent, even loving at times, can feel invalidating and hurtful to the recipient.
Questions like:
When are you having kids? Well you have to have kids? Oh, you’ll change your mind? Why don’t you just adopt? When are you having your second, you don’t want them too far apart? When are you having your second, you can’t just have one? Three boys?! Don’t you want to try for a girl? Oh, so you have the three kids. At least you weren’t further along!
What are some of the most difficult or insensitive questions or statements you have received in regards to your family planning? It will take just five minutes, please take my fertility compassion survey!
This survey will help me get an idea of what could help with fertility compassion. Especially considering this was my first comment on the survey:
“Mine has been your response calling cells BABIES…my god you were never prego, you did not even TRY to conceive yet you are on a pity party tour…get over yourself!! i feel for your clients. No one believes your story and no one is buying your book, quit making an ass of yourself! my friend is suffering from colon cancer after having 2 rounds of ovaian cancer yet shes not boo hooing cuz she legitimately cant have kids…” (please excuse the typos as I wanted to honor the integrity of the comment).
I want to thank this kind person for proving my point exactly…and for inspiring a soon to be released blog post ;).**
Silence leads to ignorance
These are innocent, inquisitive (although sometimes just down right nosey), questions; but, I believe, for the most part they come from a place of love. The place of I want to take away your pain because it makes me uncomfortable. The place of let’s just fix it. Whatever place these questions come from, I think, they mostly come from a place of ignorance; of just not knowing.
Considering many of us keep our family planning to ourselves, either because we just don’t like sharing or because we have been silenced by the shame of infertility, these questions can cut like a knife.
But it is within our shamed silence that this ignorance lives. We will only receive empathy and understanding from others when the ignorance is broken. Breaking more of our silence means more education. And, it is only within this education that we will ever find and receive fertility compassion. Your education can be in the whisper or the shout but at least own it to yourself and your closest loved ones. Own it for yourself, for your well-being and for your family.
Broken ignorance leads us to fertility compassion
I suppose this is one of my biggest dreams for Ever Upward.
I am less than a month from launching my debut book. The fear still lingering but I am not allowing it to hold as much power. As I know how much ever upward has already helped and changed the landscape of fertility conversations, even if just a tiny bit. Because we all need as much compassion as we can give and receive. And, I think fertility compassion may just be a great place to start.
In a month books will begin shipping out. In a month I will celebrate with friends and family at the launch party (take my poll to choose which chapter I read from). In a month readers will hear my voice reading the story of Ever Upward in the audio book. In a month I will have an Amazon page.
In a month I will let go of my ever upward in hopes that it is received with open minds, open hearts and open arms. I will let it go and trust that it can and will help. I will let it go knowing only then can it go ever upward.
My hope is readers will be entertained by the story. My dream is readers will walk away with the permission to own all the parts of their story. My awe is readers walking back into themselves and therefore back into their lives; no matter their story and no matter their recovery to find their ever upward.
Ever upward is finding the light through the dark.
It is letting go of what isn’t in order to embrace what can be.
It is more than the silver lining, it is home.
It is redefining.
I choose ever upward.
I am ever upward.
If you found this post enjoyable, inspiring, helpful, hopeful, interesting or even infuriating ;), please take the time and the chance to share it through your social media! More shares means more eyes, means more people helped and the message heard on a wider scale.
In ever upward light and love, Justine