“I’ve seen You move… You move the mountains. And I believe… I’ll see You do it again.
You made a way… where there was no way. And I believe… I’ll see You do it again.”
I’ve been listening to this song over and over. I usually end up in tears as it amps up with this chorus.
We often hear how we need to ask God to move our mountains and we must also tell the mountains in our lives how big our God is.
He made a way, when there was no way for me in many ways throughout my lifetime. The biggest though was just over three years ago when I began the mighty faith wrestle into His waiting arms.
A wrestle that was only the result of the gift of my three. The old me would say it was when He took my three away. I suppose it is only a difference of semantics, and many could say both are true.
Five years later, I choose them as gift.
It was only in the darkness of grief and loss that I found the light, His and mine. He made a way for me to Him, when there was no way. Three lost babies and accepting life without children…only God can create such a mess. Five years out of our failed infertility journey I can say it has all been a beautiful mess – a true gift.
Because I am a daughter of the King, He loves me, I trust Him, and so I trust it.
Does it still hurt like hell? Yep.
This is the permission of The And, and it allows me to feel that sadness and the trust all at once, because therein lies my healing.
Friday my The Permission of The And TEDx talk officially hit the TEDx YouTube channel with over 9,000,000 subscribers.
And thus, comes another mountain.
Since the publication of Ever Upward, almost three years ago, the constant mountains in my life seem to be book sales, video view counts, and shares and likes. Now that both of my TEDx talks have posted, it seems like I have another gigantic mountain in front of me, to get enough YouTube views and likes to be featured on the TED website.
Except it finally feels different.
I want this bad, more views and likes means more people reached. More people reached means braver people living in this world and rewriting their stories of shame.
This is my purpose on earth – the mother He made.
But I no longer want it more than my own well-being and happiness. I no longer believe that the success of my work, paid or otherwise, has anything to do with my worthiness. I am putting it down at the foot of the cross once and for all.
I am enough and He’s got this.
No more hustling, no more begging. I will continue to do my part – creating life changing content, loving well, teaching those who are ready to receive, and finally having fun while doing it.
My belief is that it will grow.
How big? Only He knows that part.
And finally, I am going to let that be enough.