I feel intense, heart growing, soul expanding, unconditional joyful love…
every time I enter a room and their nub tails wag with anticipation before they are invited to greet me.
every time she cuddles her head on my neck.
every time she tilts her head in her understanding of my human words.
every time she bats at Bosco begging him to chase her.
every time she barrel rolls across the floor.
every time I hear racing up and down the halls.
every time I see them jump in the snow.
every good morning dog pile…on my head.
every time they chase each other in the back yard.
every game of hide and seek and pounce on each other.
every loving growl and whine.
every time…anything.
On April 16th, 2012 we got the news that our dream of having children was over. Michelle, our surrogate, wasn’t pregnant, again. The second transfer had not worked. We had prepped ourselves for this 30 second phone call, and the words, “I’m sorry, she isn’t pregnant”, for we had already heard these words the December before.
In December they were breath stealing and crushing, the saddest disbelief feeling I have ever experienced.
This second time, was hauntingly bittersweet.
Our journey of IVF was over, and it was both devastating and freeing; no more shots, no more pain, no more waiting, no more loans, no more soul crushing heartbreak. Time to move forward to letting go of this dream and grasping onto a new one, feeling the grief and loss and working on the acceptance of this new definition… of everything.
The first step? Adopting our version of twins.
And today, two of the brightest lights in my life turn 2 years old!
We had always known we wanted to expand our furry family, especially since our first fur baby, Maddie, was not doing well. But we had never thought we would adopt 2 puppies, at the same time. But for one of the first times in the crazy painful journey, we jumped into a decision that some may have thought of as insane. But my dad said it best, when I told him we were actually going to adopt both of the puppies he said, “You guys are grieving, take both of them home, you deserve some happiness!”
I’m not recommending everyone go out and rescue puppies after suffering major loss, trauma or stress. And you can say dogs are not the same as kids, but I assure you my heart feels just as powerful about my furry babies as you do about your children.
Gertie and Gracie, my full of light and laughter, version of twins have been a huge part of saving my life.
Of helping me to save my own life…
Unending love.
Accepting true joy.
Pushing through fear.
Laughing every single day.
Of finding my ever upward.
