It has been a rough few days pain-wise on top of what has already been difficult with the tooth stuff happening (it has hurt to eat, breathe, and sleep since before Thanksgiving). Plus, I am working on some writing that is bringing up lots of stuff.
In other words, the head and heart space has been teetering a bit.
So, of course, I made sure that we went to church in person this weekend. There is nothing like good worship music to help me feel better, even when the pain is overwhelming.
Except this week was a message about Jesus, the healer.
One of the toughest messages for people like me.
Thankfully, I am part of a church that teaches that, yes, Jesus heals, and He doesn’t always heal in the way and time we want and need.
Still, these messages are complicated for me.
And honestly, I sit there feeling both seen and pissed off.
Because I am not healed.
It has been nearly four years of living with TN, and though the pain is so much better after so much work, healing, and prayer, it is not gone. It affects my life, work, and relationships every single day.
Jesus has not healed me.
Do I believe He can and will?
Yes.
Do I think He will do it in my lifetime?
I honestly don’t know if I believe that anymore.
Which makes it hard to even pray for it some days.
And so, as usual, I find power in The And.
I may not ever be healed physically earthside.
This isn’t being negative. This is the faith, surrender, and acceptance required to receive the heart healing it takes to keep going, believe, and refuse to be turned bitter and angry.
Jesus hasn’t healed me.
And He is good.
And He gets all the glory because this life is incredible.
And I trust Him,
And I turn toward Him.
And I know I am loved beyond my imagination by Him.
I fully realize that isn’t the message that often gets told from the pulpit, even though it needs to be.
You mean life hasn’t turned out how you hoped, dreamed, and planned, and on top of that, you live with debilitating pain every day, and you still believe in God, His goodness, love Him, turn toward Him, tell people about Him, and praise Him?
Yes, yes, I do.
With everything in me.
And on the hard days where I stumble in believing, I reach out for prayers, and I watch this clip from @thechosentvseries:
A person like you healing others? Oh, what a sight!
You will be healed.