Episode 16: Stop Reacting and Start Responding

When emotions are heightened, it can feel almost impossible to think clearly or make decisions you are proud of later. In this episode of Courage is Built Here, Justine opens Pathway One, Feel It All, and talks with her friend Barry Engelhardt about what it looks like to feel your feelings without being owned by them, so you can respond from your values instead of reacting from intensity.

Barry shares a memorable wake-up call at home after a job change, when he realized stress was spilling into his marriage in ways he had not fully seen. From there, he reflects on growing up without language for feelings, what he learned through the military about decisiveness and slowing down under pressure, and how he and his wife are raising their two sons with a different relationship to emotions than what he experienced.

Together, Justine and Barry explore why values have to be operationalized into real behaviors, how relationships can act as mirrors, and why being a different person at work than at home can leave you exhausted. They also talk about balance, nuance, and the long, courageous work of building self-awareness one moment at a time.

Key Takeaways

• Pathway One, Feel It All, is about feeling your feelings without being your feelings, so you can respond instead of react.
• Values have to be operationalized into behaviors, or you cannot consistently live into them or hold yourself accountable to them.
• When emotions are heightened, rational thinking can go offline, which makes it harder to make clear decisions.
• Work stress can spill into home life even when you believe you are compartmentalizing well.
• Growing up without language for emotions can shape how you handle stress, conflict, and connection as an adult.
• “Slow is smooth, and smooth is fast” is a practical way to create space before you act, especially in high-pressure moments.
• Decisiveness can be a strength, but slowing down helps prevent avoidable mistakes and reactive behavior.
• Marriage can act like a mirror, offering feedback that is hard to hear but important for self-awareness and growth.
• Being a different person at work than at home can be exhausting and often signals misalignment with your values.
• A grounding long-game perspective is remembering what matters most, including the kind of humans you are raising and the time you cannot get back.

About the guest

Barry Engelhardt considers himself a reformed art miscreant and professional generalist who strives to be a business leader who works with humans rather than a human resources leader who works for a business. He spent a decade in Operations & Client Relations before transitioning to Human Resources, where he has held leadership positions in multiple industries. He retired from the Illinois Army National Guard after twenty years of service and 100+ completed combat missions, and he is a husband and the father of two sons.

Connect with Barry

• LinkedIn: www.linkedin.com/in/barryengelhardt