The Trouble with Expectations (and What to Do Instead)

It’s something I see again and again, with the leaders I work with, the teens my friends parent, and even inside my own story, especially before all this healing courage work:

We hold really high expectations.
For how people should act.
For how life should go.
For how things should* feel.

And when those expectations don’t get met?
We feel let down. Frustrated. Disappointed.
Sometimes even resentful.

Recently, I had a conversation with my best friend about her 16-year-old girl who’s learning this in real time. She’s a deep feeler. A big-hearted human who cares about doing life well. And she’s starting to see just how exhausting it is to expect everything and everyone to live up to her very high standards.

Here’s what I shared with her. Maybe it will speak to you, too:

~~~

Sweet girl, I see how deeply you feel things. How much you care. How big your heart is.
And I know you want things to be good and right and fair and full of meaning.
Of course you do.

It makes sense that you have high hopes. Big dreams. Maybe even really high expectations for how people should act, how life should go, how things should turn out.

Here’s what I’ve learned, and I want to pass it to you now with love:

When we live with expectations that are rigid, unrealistic, or unspoken, we almost always end up hurt and disappointed. Not because people are out to get us or life is unfair, although sometimes it is, rather because we placed our peace in something we cannot control.

You can have standards. You can have boundaries. You can want better.
You just can’t make the world meet you there every time.
That’s not your job.

What is your job?
To tell the truth about what you need.
To let people show you who they are.
To notice how you feel and take responsibility for those feelings, not hand them over to someone else’s behavior.

You get to decide what matters most to you.
You get to choose whether to stay or walk away, whether to hope or grieve.
And you get to keep your heart open without expecting everyone else to protect it for you.

I want you to know this now:
You will live a more peaceful, grounded, joyful life when you release your grip on how things should be and start showing up with courage for how things are.

You are strong enough to do that.
And you are worthy of a life rooted in connection not control.

~~~

Maybe this is the reminder you needed today. I did.
To soften.
To breathe.
To come back to what’s yours to hold—and release what isn’t.

As always, I’m right here living and walking this courage work with you.

*Should is full of shame and sometimes assumptions. Nothing should. Nothing. Switch it to need or want. Stop shoulding all over yourself.
For how I want or need people to act.
For how I want or need life to go.
For how I want or need things to feel.