Is Recovery Just a Never Ending To Do List?
Sometimes this recovery thing is a real pain in the ass. I’ve taught it for years. I’ve really practiced it myself for the last couple. And, I literally talk about it daily to my clients.
And yet, it is still a huge pain in my ass.
My life has been crazy. My routine has changed. My schedule is busy. My stress is high.
And, from the sounds of it lately in my office, I am not alone in any of this.
And yet, my recovery stands.
Although, some days it feels like only by a thread.
But, my recovery only stands through my practice.
I am not talking about this rainbows and butterflies idea that practice makes perfect. Because, seriously, that was just a lie we’ve all been fed. There is no perfect. Perfectionism is only born out of our shame and is only about what others’ think. It is not about being the best version of ourselves.
I’m also not talking about just trying harder either. If our recoveries were based on just trying harder, we’d all stay super happy and healthy all of the time. I try hard every day. Unfortunately, my trying harder is also sometimes in direct response to the whole crazy, busy, stress mentioned above. Which really only means I get in my own damn way of my practice which means my recovery suffers. Because, as I had my own aha moment in my therapy session this week, I like to control or micromanage things (and some could argue my loved ones) when my life is this crazy, busy and stressful.
The Practice of Intention
Practicing recovery needs to be about intention.
Even though from the outside is looks very much the same, like a never ending to do list.
Recovery (for me):
- daily self care (morning routine and night routine)
- eating right
- music and dancing
- talking (asking for what I want and need)
- reaching out
These are the daily choices I must make to practice my recovery.
To consider them my never ending to do list is only counterintuitive and counterproductive to recovery.
My practice cannot be born out of perfectionism or trying harder or micromanagement. Recovery is not this check list or to do list I must complete every day. It is not a to do list that makes me better or fixed.
Check. Check. Check.
All better. Done. Recovered.
Not even close.
Recovery must be practiced with intention through the choices I make every day because I know it helps, because I know it heals, because I know I deserve better than my old sad, miserable, bitter self.
If my intention is perfection or just trying harder or micromanaging it all, I will suffer the gravity of my own relapse. Because life is busy and hard and it is simply unrealistic to complete my recovery and do it perfectly.
There will always be the days (some weeks more days than not) that not everything is checked off the list.
That is okay.
I can practice again tomorrow.
This week I have been witness to some of the toughest sessions of my career. The sessions of true struggle. The sessions of utter heartache, of strangling perfectionism, of the desperate ache for more, of merciless loneliness, of suffocating shame, of brutal relapse.
Sessions of rock bottom.
Sessions of I know this is so hard. Sessions of I promise it can get better.
Sessions where I know greatness can be found. Sessions where I see the lightof and for my clients. Sessions where I hope for them. Sessions where I walk alongside, push forward and pull ahead.
Because I know through this work is their healing, happier and healthier selves.
I know because I’ve trudged the damn hill myself. Several times. And, during some seasons of my life, I’ve trudged it what seems like every freaking day.
And yet, there are times when what I can offer them of this practice, of the I get it and me too that can feel so powerless in what they are facing, like it just can’t be enough.
But, then I trust. I trust my intention in showing them unconditional compassion, connection and courage. I teach them the work of intention and practice. And, I try to model it all.
Because, I know it can be enough.
And, I ask them to fight with me. Every. Single. Day.
Because, through this fight, this practice, this recovery is being found by and finding our own ever upward.