|  Blog Post   |  Not Allowing Comparison to Steal Connection

Not Allowing Comparison to Steal Connection

I have been actively having to fight off the monsters of scarcity and comparison lately. In The Daring Way™ work, based off the research of Brené Brown, we talk about how scarcity and comparison always have seats in the arena. When we live our lives wholehearted and we choose to show up, be seen and live brave™, scarcity and comparison will always be lingering.

Scarcity: The idea that there is not enough to go around or that feeling that we will never be _________________ (pretty, thin, happy, rich, etc.) enough.

Comparison: Comparing our lives and our journey to the person next to us.

For years, I have told my clients that comparison is never really an accurate lens to view our truth through. When we really think about it our life is simply not comparable. No one has, nor will anyone ever, walk this earth that is exactly like us; never the same genes, the same life experience, never ever again.

How is that even close to comparable?

And, yet the world we live in teaches, preaches and pushes comparison as the only way to know that we are okay and doing okay.

Scarcity and comparison hit me hard last week after I had the honor of speaking with two authors I greatly admire. First, I connected with Pamela Tsigdinos, author of Silent Sorority and Finally Heard. Pamela is doing incredible work in the culture of infertility. I felt myself taking a deep breath after reading Finally Heard while saying to myself, “Yes, I must connect with her.” While talking with Pamela she mentioned several names of other women in the not only survivor of infertility club but also in the childfree not by choice club; including Tracey.

I immediately googled Tracey  and knew I had to reach out to her. We scheduled to talk the very next day!

But, the comparison had already begun. I was both intimidated and jealous of how many endorsement quotes Tracey had for her book The Next Happy, let alone that she was backed by a big publisher.

My conversation with Tracey flowed so easily. It honestly was like talking to not only a fellow warrior, but also a true friend and colleague. Our stories are eerily parallel; from our career paths to what our books are about. I am thankful to have found these women, the women I feel more of a fitting in with, the survivors who infertility treatments did not work for.

The survivor who is living the childfree not by choice life, or what I call the childfull parent life.

The survivor who is demanding a change in our infertility community.

The survivor who knows these lifelong losses all too well.

And yet, very quickly that inner critic voice came in beating me into the dark with scarcity and comparison.

Ever Upward will never get big enough, you don’t know the right people, no one will ever take the chance on you.

The big publisher will never notice this little book.

She already has the success, there is just not enough to go around.

You’re not good enough.

You will always be in this ‘nose to the grind stone, working your ass off in 3 jobs, never getting the big break, never being able to afford help’ part of this entrepreneurship.

Scarcity and comparison settled in so much, that I was actually saying out loud, “She’s a real published author,” which did not go over well with Chad at all.

What I know, and what I trust, is that these messages are not my truth. I simply refuse to allow them to be. I also refuse to allow scarcity and comparison to keep me stuck in fear and therefore rip away the potential of what this could be; a brilliant piece to the ever upward puzzle.


A lot of this puzzle I create myself.

Ever Upward is a good book that is helping many people and is very much needed in this world. It will succeed, as it already is and it will continue to grow as it deserves.

There is plenty to go around. This will happen for me and Ever Upward, as it already is helping so many people. I am good enough. My work and my belief in myself will make it all happen.

And most of all, it is in my voice and my light, which has never existed before nor ever will exist again, and that is nothing short of a miracle.

But, most of all, this is my truth and it is brilliant and I wouldn’t be honoring myself or happy if I wasn’t writing, shouting, changing the world and connecting with others.

And so, I will thank my inner critic voice for trying to protect me, make me work hard, etc. and simply say thank you but no thank you (as I am learning in Tara Mohr’s Playing Big).

I will hold on to what I know is my inner truth and light, and to these new and incredible relationships I am so thankful for and excited to see where they lead us.

Simply, I will not allow scarcity and comparison to steal away amazing connection.

Because I choose this wholehearted life; the life and the work of rising ever upward.


Justine is a Licensed Professional Counselor with more than 25 years of experience in traditional mental health and personal and professional development. Justine has been certified in the work of Dr. Brené Brown for ten years. Justine is the author of eleven books, including five Amazon bestsellers covering subjects such as infertility, faith, and grief. She has been honored to do two TEDx Talks, The Permission of the And and The Donut Effect. She travels nationally and presents virtually to global audiences delivering keynotes, workshops, retreats, and trainings on topics such as leadership, courage, resilience, mental health, preventing and coping with burnout, and courageous and curious conversation, especially in creating cultures of belonging and diversity, equity, and inclusion. Justine lives in St. Louis with her husband Chad, their three dogs, and for four months of the year hundreds of monarch and swallowtail butterflies.

Post a Comment:


Sign up to receive Justine's newsletter